Medieval Puns: A Little Light Humor About the Dark Ages
There’s a reason they call them The Dark Ages. And no, punsters, it’s not because there were so many knights. It’s because the medieval period was a brutal time known less for scientific progress and more for poverty, sickness, and death.
Still, people have always found ways to make light of the Dark Ages (hello, Monty Python). One way is through wordplay based on the strange-yet-familiar customs and ideas of the Middle Ages. If you think you’re immune to such lexical tomfoolery, just try not to laugh at the following medieval puns. I think you’ll find that resistance is feudal.
Note: A handful of these riddles were originally published in my book 501 History Puns: A Joke Book for the Ages.
- Why was the prince embarrassed when he accidentally put on a jester’s hat instead of his crown?
Because he made a fool of himself.
- Did you hear about the knight who won a pie, a cake, and a bowl of pudding in the medieval tournament?
Guess you could say he got his joust desserts. - What was it like to be drawn and quartered in the Middle Ages?
Gut-wrenching. - Why didn’t the medieval warlord trust his pikemen?
Because there was something fishy about them.
- Why was pushing a corpse cart during the Bubonic Plague an exasperating job?
Because the people you worked with were just dead weight. - Why were people wary of buying paintings from the Mongols?
Because many of them were Khan artists. - What did Charlemagne say when he was crowned king of the Franks?
“Hot dog!”
- What knight was charged with getting King Arthur a birthday gift?
Sir Prize. - Why didn’t meetings at the Round Table ever accomplish anything?
Because they just kept talking in circles. - What did Sir Lancelot’s squire say when he learned they would be facing a dangerous monster?
“Don’t go dragon me into this!”
- What happened when the knight fell in love with a barmaid while trying to complete a quest?
It threw a wench into his plans. - What did the medieval peasant say when he heard someone had been arrested for practicing magic?
“Witch way to the bonfire?” - Did you know the cupbearer spent all his time refilling the king’s wine glass?
Pour guy.
- Did you hear about the medieval warrior who didn’t understand why his enemies used spears?
After awhile, he got the point. - What was the most gruesome attire worn on a medieval battlefield?
The coat of arms. - What did the meteorologist forecast for the king who ruled during the Little Ice Age?
Freezing reign.
- Why did the cowardly archer keep his arrows by his feet?
Because he was quiver-ing in his boots. - Did you hear about the king who sent a comedian to entertain his queen?
She didn’t enjoy the show, but it was a nice jester.
- What did one trebuchet operator say to another?
“Let’s do launch!” - Why did the medieval executioner get a new axe?
The old one just wasn’t cutting it anymore. - What do you call it when a medieval village leaves Plague corpses to rot and spread disease?
A grave mistake.
- How did the medieval detective find out the king’s son was involved in a crime?
He dusted for prince. - Why couldn’t the knight be convinced to take his helmet off?
Because he was hard-headed.
- Why do people still read Dante’s Inferno to this day?
Because it’s a hell of a poem. - What allowed artists to enter a medieval castle?
The draw-bridge. - How was the knight able to repair his armor after it was damaged by a war hammer?
He had a good dent-al plan.
- Did you know medieval warriors went into battle wearing armored gloves called gauntlets?
Seems a bit heavy handed. - What type of ranged weapon did the Crusaders prefer?
The crossbow. - What did the flagellant say after a long day of self-inflicted wounds?
“I’m whipped!”
- Did you hear about the blacksmith’s apprentice who was resentful of his job?
He always had an axe to grind. - Why did the lawyer leave his practice to become an entertainer at a Renaissance festival?
Because he was dis-bard. - Why didn’t the lady in waiting enjoy the minstrel’s music?
Because she only listened to Queen.
- How did the queen stay healthy during an outbreak of the Black Death?
She avoided germs like the Plague. - What kind of witches would have been helpful in the Dark Ages?
Lights witches. - What do you call someone who was still worshiping the Greek goddess of marriage in the Middle Ages?
A Hera-tic. - Why didn’t things work out between the medieval soldier and the recent widow?
He was a knight person and she was a mourning person.
- Did you hear there’s a specialty furniture store named after a famous medieval power?
It’s called Ottoman Empire. - What type of kings were most feared in medieval England?
Vi-kings. - What meal did medieval landowners like best?
Serf and turf. - What’s the best type of cup to drink out of at a Renaissance fair when you’re eating a turkey leg?
A gobble-t.
- What did Genghis say to his warriors to inspire them?
“Yes we Khan!” - How is a medieval jester like a professional basketball player?
They both perform at courts. - What kind of economic activity happened at medieval convents?
Nun of your business.
- What kind of business was done at medieval monasteries?
Monk-y business. - What was the saddest profession in medieval times?
Town crier.
- What medieval order was famous for a pair of tonics?
The two-tonic knights. - What kind of ants ruined the queen’s picnic?
Peas-ants. - Did you know the king and queen were up late trying to come up with a term for their best warrior?
They eventually called it a knight.
