Ancient History Puns: They Never Get Old

If you’ve ever heard a dad joke and thought “that one’s ancient,” you might be right. Puns and other forms of wordplay have been around for eons, and can be found in writings from Mesopotamia and Ancient Rome. Heck, there’s even some punny business in the Bible.

But we’re not here to talk about groaners from the past. We’re here to talk about groaners about the past. The following list of ancient history puns takes aim at people and events from caveman days through classical antiquity. You might call it a comedy of eras.

Note: A handful of these riddles were originally published in my book 501 History Puns: A Joke Book for the Ages.

Prehistory | Egypt | Greece | Rome

Prehistory

To start our punny journey through time, here’s some wordplay about our earliest ancestors.

What do you call a caveman who took the long way back to the cave?
A meander-thal.

Why were our ancestors excited about the discovery of fire?
Because it was the hot new thing.
Why didn’t cavemen tell very good jokes?
Because they lived in pre-hysterical times.
How did ancient people react to the invention of beer?
It caused quite a buzz.
How did wine become popular throughout the ancient world in the days before mass communication?
People heard about it through the grapevine.
Why was the abacus such a dependable tool for ancient people?
It was something they could always count on.

What did everyone say to the young caveman when he got his first weapon?
“Welcome to the club!”
Why was the lady offended by the idea of cavemen walking around half-naked?
Because she was clothes-minded.
What kind of fruit did the first calendar makers snack on?
Dates.

What ancient civilization was the butt of many jokes?
Ass-yria.
What ancient civilization was the cat’s meow?
Purr-sia.
Should I tell more ancient civilization jokes?
No, nobody wants to hear you Babylon.

Egypt

The following Ancient Egypt puns may be dad jokes, but you mummies out there are sure to get wrapped up in them, too.

Did you hear about the Egyptian tomb with hieroglyphics on the ceiling?
That pharaoh must have earned high marks.

What pharaoh was always tooting his own horn?
Tootin’ khamun.
What was Egyptian children’s favorite game?
Mummy May I?
How did the mummy know he was getting sick?
He had a bad sar-cough-agus.

How did the amateur architect learn how to build pyramids?
He watched a YouTomb video.
Why did the Egyptians enjoy desert jokes?
They had a dry sense of humor.
Why did the drowning Egyptian stay positive until the very end?
Because he was in de Nile.

Did you hear about the Egyptian princess who was born in the desert?
They named her Sandy.
Why were women drawn to Ancient Egyptian leaders?
Must have been their pharoah-mones.
Why was it hard to learn about the Ancient Egyptian process of mummification?
Because they kept everything under wraps.

Greece

I think you’ll agree that we hit a Homer with these Ancient Greece puns.

What did Odysseus say to his crew when he spotted the amazing Scylla and Charybdis?
“Guys, you Odyssey this!”

What did Medusa do when she was having a bad hair day?
She had a hissy fit.
Why couldn’t anyone reason with the Minotaur?
Because he was bull-headed.
What kind of books did children in Ancient Greece read?
Dr. Zeus.

Did you know centaurs are impossible to please?
They’re all neigh-sayers.
How entertaining are the stories from Ancient Greece?
Eh, they’re hit-or-myth.
What do Alexander the Great and John Travolta have in common?
They were both in Grease.
What happened to the ancient Olympic spectator who got hit in the head with a discus?
He got a discussion.

Did you know the most famous Greek philosopher was known for never saying what he truly believed?
He was a total Socra-tease.
Why was the Oracle of Delphi considered successful?
Because she made a nice prophet.
Why did the woman regret going into Ancient Greek archaeology?
Because her career was in ruins.
What do you think of all those ancient Greek statues?
I think they’re marble-ous.

Rome

They say all roads lead to Rome, and our historical roamin’ ends here with select puns about the land of Julius Caesar, Mark Antony, Nero, and others.

Why did Romulus and Remus decide to settle down and found a city?
Because there’s no place like Rome.

How did the two Roman senators decide who would bring bad news to the Emperor?
With a game of Rock-Paper-Caesars.
Were Cicero’s speeches really that great?
That’s a rhetorical question.
Why did the thief in Ancient Rome duck into the bathhouse?
He wanted to make a clean getaway.
What happened when a group of Romans vacationed at Mount Vesuvius in 79 AD?
They had a blast.

Why couldn’t the seamstress in Ancient Rome fix the torn garment?
She just couldn’t get it toga-ther.
What did the Roman architect name his son?
Arch-ie.
Why did Roman architects learn the terms Doric, Ionic, Corinthian, and Tuscan?
So they would know what to column.

What kind of bats did Romans go to the Coliseum to see?
Com-bats.
Why was the Roman charioteer disappointed when the races were over?
Because he was on a roll.
Did you hear about the Roman who changed his name to Gluteus Maximus?
He really made an ass of himself.