76 Star-Spangled American History Puns
American History is a polarizing subject. Some people love reading about the triumphs and tragedies of the American experiment. Others find it a dull topic best left to academics wearing tweed jackets and smoking pipes in their study.
However, one thing everyone should be able to agree on is that U.S. History offers plenty of material for wordplay. If anyone needs convincing, just direct them to the following list of American History puns. These dad jokes may be corny and groan-inducing, but they’re anything but boring.
Note: A handful of these riddles were originally published in my book 501 History Puns: A Joke Book for the Ages.
The Revolutionary War | The Old West | The Civil War | Recent History
The Revolutionary War
Just in time for Inde-pun-dence Day, here’s some wordplay related to the founding of the United States.
- Why did American patriots dump British tea into the Boston Harbor?
They preferred liber-tea.
- Why did some people find the Boston Tea Party hilarious?
Because it caused quite a brew-haha. - Why did Thomas Jefferson close the window when he was working on the Declaration of Independence?
Because he wanted it to be the final draft. - Why do historians make a big deal about John Hancock signing the Declaration of Independence?
It was his signature achievement. - How did King George feel about the colonists after he read the Declaration of Independence?
He thought they were revolting.
- What do you call a retriever who was loyal to the British Crown?
A labra-Tory. - What did Paul Revere have in common with his pony after yelling “the British are coming!” at the top of his lungs?
They were both a little hoarse. - Is the story about Betsy Ross stitching together the first U.S. flag true?
No, it was made out of whole cloth. - What do you call an American revolutionary leader who always asked people to pull his finger?
A Founding Farter.
- Why did Thomas Paine have white flakes on his shoulder?
Just a bit of yankee doodle dandruff. - What are the best kinds of jokes to make about the Liberty Bell?
Wisecracks. - Did you know the Indiana State Penitentiary holds a dance every year on the 4th of July?
It’s called the Indy Pen Dance. - What kind of ghost says “red, white, and BOO”?
The Spirit of ’76.
- Did George Washington’s father stay mad at him after he chopped down the cherry tree?
No, they buried the hatchet. - Why did Benedict Arnold walk over the bridge twice?
Because he was a double-crosser. - Did you hear about the American patriot who went to school to be a flag bearer?
He passed with flying colors. - How did the flag bearer greet his fellow soldiers?
He waved.
- Why did the Revolutionary War armies have drummers?
So they wouldn’t miss a beat. - Why was the bald eagle an appropriate symbol for the newly created United States?
Because without royalty, the country was heirless. - We know all the pro’s of the U.S. form of government, but what’s the biggest con?
The Con-stitution. - How were the Framers of the Constitution like a bank teller?
They were concerned with checks and balances.
- How unusual was it for a modern nation like the United States to elect its leader?
Almost unpresidented. - How do we know the Whiskey Rebellion of 1791 was serious?
Shots were taken. - How did Americans respond to the burning of Washington by the British in the War of 1812?
They got fired up. - Did you know Washington, Jefferson, Hamilton, and Adams all enjoyed dad jokes?
Of course they did – they’re our four fathers.
The Old West
Yee-haw, it’s time to round up some Western puns.
- How is a pioneer’s mode of transportation like a happy dog’s tail?
They’re both a-waggin’.
- Why was news of the Louisiana Purchase music to America’s ears?
Because they got it for a song. - Why did workers on the Transcontinental Railroad never stick around for long?
They always had to make tracks. - A man walks into a gold rush-era saloon carrying a pickaxe. The barkeep says, “sorry, we don’t serve miners.”
- Which famous town of the Old West had a high concentration of impotent men?
Deadwood. - What did Buffalo Bill say to Buffalo Bill, Jr. when he left for work?
“Bison!” - How unlikely was Annie Oakley’s success as a marksman?
It was a real long shot. - Why was it hard for women to join the Pony Express?
Because it was a mail-dominated field.
- Did you hear about the big group of bison that roamed the countryside in the Old West?
Yeah, I herd. - Why did the sheriff hire the sketch artist for an urgent case?
Because he was the fastest draw in the West. - Why was the gunfighter always shooting off his mouth?
Because he was armed to the teeth. - What do you call it when one gunslinger asks another whether they still have bullets left in their gun?
A loaded question.
- Why did the farmer get in trouble for bringing his dairy cow into town?
He committed a moo-ving violation. - Why didn’t anyone in the pioneer town show up for the mountainside orchestra concert?
They didn’t go for any of that high flutin’ entertainment. - What happened when the gambler bet his horse in a game of poker?
He had to pony up. - What was Jesse James’ favorite drink?
Heist tea.
The Civil War
Most American Civil War puns are awful, but I think you’ll find these are General Lee pretty funny.
- What did Jefferson Davis’ high school classmates think of him?
He was voted Most Likely to Secede.
- What kind of moron would describe any war as “civil”?
An oxy-moron. - Why did many Americans find the emergence of Abraham Lincoln so refreshing?
Because he was a tall drink of water. - Would you like to know the last name of William Tecumseh?
Sure, man. - What would you say to a guy who doesn’t remember the last name of Stonewall?
“You don’t know Jack, son.”
- Did Abraham Lincoln memorize the Gettysburg Address?
He had to – there was no Google Maps in those days. - Did you know Robert E. Lee had three sons who served in the Confederate Army?
I’ll bet they got a lot of Father Lee advice. - Why did the Civil War doctor quit after one day of amputating limbs?
He just couldn’t hack it. - What do you call a Confederate soldier with an unwieldy bayonet?
A slowpoke.
- Did the slave states try to stop the Underground Railroad?
Yes, but it just kept chugging along. - How did Ulysses S. Grant dress up for the formal surrender of Robert E. Lee?
By wearing an Appoma-tux. - How did the actor John Wilkes Booth acquire the sensitive information he needed to assassinate President Lincoln?
Thespian-age.
Recent History
Let’s just toss the rest of our U.S. History puns into one big melting pot covering the 20th Century and beyond.
- How can you tell the Statue of Liberty loves freedom?
Because she carries a torch for it.
- What does the Statue of Liberty stand for?
Because she has nowhere to sit. - What were the odds of the United States staying out of World War I after the sinking of the Lusitania?
They went down with the ship. - Why did American war profiteers make out so well in World War I?
Because business was booming. - How did people in San Francisco survive the 1906 earthquake?
Fortunately, most were just shaken up.
- How did the American public greet the start of Prohibition?
With a big round of booze. - How did the American public greet the repeal of Prohibition in 1933?
With “Cheers!” - Did you know there’s a class about the 1929 stock market?
It’s a crash course. - Why did President Franklin D. Roosevelt start his famous fireside chats?
To have a hearth-to-hearth talk with the American people.
- Why didn’t the initial reports of the bombing of Pearl Harbor have punctuation marks?
They were taken out by comma-kazes. - Why was the Second World War destined to be much more devastating than the First?
Because Number Two always stinks more. - Why is Harry S. Truman associated with the phrase “the buck stops here”?
The saying was near and deer to him (he was fawned of it). - Why did the United States and Soviet Union engage in an arms race for world supremacy?
Because a footrace for world supremacy would have been silly.
- How did the U.S. handle the Bay of Pigs Invasion?
Ham-handedly. - Why did President Kennedy proceed with caution when he heard that the Soviet Union had nuclear weapons in Cuba?
Because it was explosive information. - Why is John F. Kennedy’s assassin considered doubly cracked?
Because he was a crackpot and a crack shot.
- What month did the leaders of the civil rights movement like best?
March. - How did Americans feel about Neil Armstrong after the successful Apollo 11 mission?
They loved him to the moon and back. - Did you see that the Cold War has come to an end and there are warmer relations with Russia?
I thaw! - What did Nixon say to Ford when he walked past him on his way out of the White House?
“Pardon me.”
- After 9/11, what did the future hold for Osama bin Laden?
His fate was SEAL-ed. - Did you know President Obama was famous for playing music from Bruce Springsteen, Jimi Hendrix, and Deep Purple at his campaign stops?
That’s classic Ba-rock. - In what decade did Americans spend a large chunk of their time isolated due to COVID-19?
The quaran-teens.
