50 Funny Things to Write in a Christmas Card
Christmas is known for being the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s also quite possibly the most hilarious. Let’s be honest – many of the holiday’s traditions are ridiculous when you stop and think about them. You’ve got people bringing trees into their homes, a fat man in a flying sleigh, and bizarre rituals like the tacky sweater contest.
Yep, Christmas is ripe for comedy, and that’s great news if you’re looking for funny things to write in a Christmas card. To help you out, here’s a collection of goofy holiday sayings, with a mixture of the well-known, the obscure, and the totally original. They’re guaranteed to make the people on your Christmas card list just a bit more jolly this holiday season.
Funny Holiday Wishes
Here are some short and witty Christmas messages to try if you’re looking for an alternative to the standard “Merry Christmas.”
- Decorating the Christmas tree always reminds me of you and me… probably because we’re a couple of dim bulbs!
- I was going to send you a present, but just hearing from me is enough of a gift.
- Ho ho ho! Just thought I’d send a few ho’s your way this Christmas.
- Hope Christmas makes you so jolly that you annoy the hell out of everyone around you.
- Hope you have a fa la la la la la la la lot of fun this Christmas.
- Keep watching the skies… but don’t get reindeer poop in your eyes.
- You made the Nice list! And then Santa checked it twice and discovered there’d been a terrible mistake. Merry Christmas… and enjoy your coal!
- May Christmas bring you a sense of joy that lasts longer than an unwanted fruitcake.
- Hope you have a wild time this December, Naughty list be damned.
- All I want for Christmas is to not have to file for bankruptcy when it’s over.
- Sometimes it’s Nice to be Naughty. Hope you have a blast this Christmas.
- May the holidays have you flying higher than a reindeer on crack.
- Ho ho holy crap this is going to be the most expensive Christmas ever. See you in the poor house!
- Santa knows you were a bad girl this year, but that’s okay… I heard he was looking for another ho.
- Hope your Christmas is full of candy canes, gingerbread cookies, and spiked eggnog that’s strong enough to kill a reindeer.
- Ah Christmas… the holiday centered around an old man and his big sack.
- You may be naughty, but you’re never boring. Stay naughty, my friend.
- Yule never guess what my favorite time of year is.
- Wishing you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, with nary a thought of the months of bleak and bitterly cold weather to come.
- December is the most wonderful time of the year, but the bills that come in January are a real Nutcracker.
- Keep your eyes peeled on Christmas Eve… you never know when Krampus might be coming for you!
- Don we now our ugly sweaters. It’s the most gaudy time of the year.
- Hope your Christmas is more fun than a barrel of elves!
Christmas Humor
You want funny Christmas card wording? One questionable choice is an awful, groan-inducing holiday joke.
- I put out for Santa… cookies, I mean!
- What did Santa do when his sleigh experienced turbulence on his way home from delivering presents?
He tossed his cookies! - He sees you when you’re sleeping? Clearly Santa has a problem with boundaries.
- Why didn’t the Gingerbread Man give up when someone ate his leg?
Because he’s one tough cookie!
- Santa’s elves think they have the best ears. They have a point.
- What do you call a kid who won’t sit on Santa’s lap?
Claustrophobic! - Whoever said “All is Calm” has never been to our house around Christmas. Some might say we’re not very bright, either.
- What did Rudolph say when Santa insisted on going down the dirty chimney?
Soot yourself! - Why did the soup burn on Christmas Eve?
Because not a creature was stirring it… not even a mouse!
- What does Santa call his little helpers?
Subordinate clauses! - Why did Santa quit smoking?
Because it was bad for his elf. - What’s the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
Snowballs!
- How did Frosty react when Rudolph ate his nose?
He didn’t carrot all! - Why did the Gingerbread Man have to go to the dentist?
He had ginger-vitis! - God bless us, every one!
(Excluding assholes, of course.) - What did the elf say when Santa told him a corny dad joke?
You sleigh me!
Funny Christmas Quotes
When all else fails, use a quote from someone famous. Here are some good ones.
- There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.
Bob Phillips
- Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.
Johnny Carson
- Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.
Kin Hubbard
- Christmas is a time when everybody wants his past forgotten and his present remembered.
Phyllis Diller
- You can tell a lot about a person by the way they handle three things: a rainy day, lost luggage and tangled Christmas tree lights.
Maya Angelou
- One of the nice things about Christmas is that you can make people forget the past with a present.
Unknown
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
George Carlin
- You’ll shoot your eye out, kid.
A Christmas Story
- The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn’t for any religious reasons. They couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.
Jay Leno
- The best way to spread Christmas cheer is singing loud for all to hear.
Buddy the Elf
- Money’s scarce
Times are hard
Here’s your fucking
Xmas cardPhyllis Diller
And that’s as good a place as any to end this collection of funny Christmas card wording ideas. Happy Holidays to all, and remember… it’s all fun and games until Santa checks the Naughty list.
